I was talking to Onyx last night. Apparently, she was looking up some quiz to test if you depression. Well, I took the quiz, and it turns out, I'm a 34....out of 40. But don't fret. I don't think there is a need to....I think. I was serously thinking about not posting tonight, but I figured it be better for me to get it all out of my system., rather than have everything bottled up like I usually do.
If you don't want to read anymore, I won't blame you. It's all rather depressing anyway, I think.
I have a tendancy to do that. Bottle things up, keep them locked inside with all of the other grudges I have kept over the years. I don't know what to do sometimes. Sometimes, it gets so bad, I have to retreat to a small site called Neopets, and role play...to escape my life. Is that bad? To go into a virtual world, and become another person, live out their life, write what they say, dictate them? I don't know.
Sorry this isn't one of my more random, cheerier posts. I'm just feeling really pressured, you know? I mean, I had a great night, had 'dunch' with my Dad-who ended up not liking what we had-, went to the Bookstore with Mother, then floated over to the mall. It was great...But I still feel like there is something missing. Something important.
Maybe I'm thinking too much. Maybe I looked over that important thing. Maybe the giant picture of my dead cat is finally getting to me. I find it easier to cry about him now though. I couldn't for a long time. I've been crying alot lately. And I don't know why. Those silent, soft tears that just form at your eyes, and then disappear. Those, I'm getting lots. Sometimes one or two might fall down my cheek, and land on the desk, reminding me that I'm still here. Still living out my life...I wonder what will happen in my future. I'm always the 'optimistic' type...That was sarcasm. Everything is half empty, and the world is out to get me. That's how it is now. And I think it's becuase of the dog. She's sick, and I don't think she's going to make it. And that is horrable for me to say, to type so everyone can see....It's even worse for me to look at her, and just try to smile. Try to make her think everything is fine. Make her believe I think she's go a chance. But she's always doing worse. I can tell. She's in pain. Her eyes hurt her, her legs hurt her, she can't do the things she used to be able to do. And it makes me sad, becuase it brings me back to my cat. And how much it hurt to lose him. And the hate I felt toward the vet, for letting him die without me. Hate for the school for starting that November day. And the hatred I felt for him, for dying in the first place. And finally the hate I still have for myself for hating him for dying.
Well, that's it. I hope I didn't damper your day any. Good night.
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