Isn't that the best title? I like it...Someone should write a song to go with it...Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, The Used, or Senses Fail - they have entertaining song titles....they could use that one.
I just thought of that...It'd be a good title of a book, or a special on Lifetime. -fade in soft, piano music...image of a girl walking down the sidewalk...alone- -calm voice- Jessie has just moved to her new town and despite her foster parents' urging her to make friends, she can't help but wonder : 'what if...' With her lack of friends in the town and her own misunderstood feelings, how will she fair when thrown into [ I don't know...insert your own dilemma for dear Jessie ]... -end commercial with a scream from lovely Jessie followed by piano cords striking a high E, D and B flat as water droplets hit the surface of a lake, each ripple forming the words 'Force Fed And Choking.'
That's wonderful. Ohh..That reminds me, I need to practice my piano. I've got my last lesson Wednesday at ...I don't know what time - I should get on that. It makes me sad that I have to leave my piano teachings - I do enjoy playing ever so much. It is quite the stress releiver. Of course, now that I know what I know, I can teach myself and I'll be fine..and it'll be free...except for the 4 months from now when I'll need to by 6-8 double A batteries at a wooping $4.67 . By then, hopefully, I'll have a real job with a pay check.
I do want a job..I like a steady cash flow of my own. It'll help me prepare for the 'real world'...I've done lost my train of thought. No matter...I've got news. Recall my Hamlet project?
Good news : I got a 92 on it - that's an A-. That's spectacular information for me. Especially since i thought it'd be a low B. I'm pretty sure it was becuase Senior Baron is a friggen genius when it comes to animation and such. If I weren't a paranoid nut, I'd probably find some way to stick the video on youtube and show it to you. But I am - so I won't.
Ah...Well, it's time for my incoherant ramblings to get a shower and go to bed....How I do love sleep...
Have A Good One,
^_6;; Jereality
Monday, January 28, 2008
Sunday, January 13, 2008
BIRTHDAY!
Alrighty, so that last post is less than optimistic and I would apologize for it - but I won't, because this is for me...this is my blog and I need to get soem feelings from my mind by sharing my thoughts and or feelings/emotions with the keys on my keyboard, and the screen of my computer....
Anyway, my birthday is coming up. In fact, if you aren't a wackjob and feel that it is in fact the next day at midnight. I happen to be one of those people. Anyway...my birthday is on the fourteenth and I am so excited because I got acceptance from where I have wanted to go for quite some time. One of my favorite birthday gifts thus far. That, and a CD I got from Onyx with a whole bunch of songs that commemorate our awesomness.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know that i'm still around and such...
Quote of the Day...Evening
Me: - puts new birthday hat on backwards-
Onyx: You look like a cupcake!
Good times...
Anyway, my birthday is coming up. In fact, if you aren't a wackjob and feel that it is in fact the next day at midnight. I happen to be one of those people. Anyway...my birthday is on the fourteenth and I am so excited because I got acceptance from where I have wanted to go for quite some time. One of my favorite birthday gifts thus far. That, and a CD I got from Onyx with a whole bunch of songs that commemorate our awesomness.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know that i'm still around and such...
Me: - puts new birthday hat on backwards-
Onyx: You look like a cupcake!
Good times...
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Too Much
The past few days have been hectic as myself and four other friends of mine have been trying to recreate Hamlet. It went well in the beginning - I wrote the script Sunday night, and it all turned out well when everyone read their lines correctly on Monday. Tuesday, no one could do anything, so I finished up the last scene of the lat act and printed out a couple copies. Today, we filmed a little more...actually, we filmed pretty much the rest of the play. However, despite what I wrote for the cript, we have now changed how the people die from a sword thwap to a guitar wack. That's not how I wrote it, that's not how it is stated we'd kill people earlier in the filming process. You can't change things that have already been filmed.
Why was there any need to re-write my script as we were filming? There really wasn't...it was abridged as it was...The entire of Act five needs to be re-shot in my opinion. Nothing works for me, and I feel if we are to get points taken off, that's the scene for it. We cant''t start out strong and then end with a lame ending. Not to mention, we skipped around in the script and pages were strewn across my home. So, not only can we not find the pages we need, we don't even know if we did a particualr scene yet. I'm sure we forget something. In fact, I have no doubts we forgot something. I'm going to have to talk to my group members tomorrow - see if we can reshoot tomorrow. The entire thing is due on Friday, no excuses.
I just...I can't handle things not going how I need them to go for this project. In fact, I've felt this way for a very long time. Every so often, I catch myself thinking about my friends and how dear they are to me, and then my brain switches to their habits...some of which I find annoying, but they're my friends, and I love them the way they are. But my mind likes to intesify things, so I go through my days questioning who I am friends with. Then I move on to myself, and how no one really knows me...
I was asked the other day in my English class in the 'hot seat' where a question is asked, and you have to answer...It's supposed to help with public speaking. I don't know - I don't care, I got it over with.
I picked number two.
My question was if I could pick any word to describe me, what would it be. I instantly thought 'act', but spent a few moments trying to find a less harmful word, a word that would make me feel less vulnerable...Then I thought that that would end up being an act, so it was appropriate. I said how I was very good at being a different person around certain people. What I meant by that, is that no one knows the real me. The honest me. I know the honest me, and she is a wreck. Completely unstable, supported only by the pillars of the fronts she puts up. I listen, I watch, I observe...I feel. I get frustrated. I feel like I'm watching my life through a television...I've seen the same thing over and over again...felt the same things over and over again...thought about accidently sliding a pair of scissors across my skin...leaping in front of a train....finding a garage and leaving the car on.
I hate those thoughts. I don't like to talk about them. It hurts. It scares me. I don't like feeling so open, I don't like sharing how I really feel. I don't like people knowing who I am, so I put up fronts that they can understand.
I say I don't cry often...that used to be true. But now it seems that every single time I think about something, everything in my mind gets blown out of proportion and my mind wanders to so many different planes that my emotional state just can't handle it. Through that, my physical being releases that stress, frustration and tension in the only way it knows possible...its cries. And I'm not talking about the cry, where a few tears leak, I'm talking about the body wracking, throat pounding cry. The cry's you take in the shower so no one can differentiate between tears and shower-water...the cry's when you wait until everyone else is asleep...making sure only you can hear yourself as you pathetically drift into sleep.
I get frustrated with myself, and I cry. And the worst part is, I never feel any better...because I try to bottle it up. I've been bottling my emotions since I was five years old. That is way too many years of choked emotion to escape with a few cry's. some days I wonder if its even worth it...just to even get out of bed. I know people would miss me, but they'd eventually get over it, and live would go on..and I'd be forgotten...just a blip on the map of existance. In and out in a flash. No worries. For me, at least.
I can't say anything else...my mind is telling me it's not safe - that's what it does when I'm getting too close to the truth. It screams 'retreat'. So, that's what I do. That's what I'm going to do...Whatever.
But break, my heart, for I must hold my tongue. -Hamlet
^_6;;Jereality
Why was there any need to re-write my script as we were filming? There really wasn't...it was abridged as it was...The entire of Act five needs to be re-shot in my opinion. Nothing works for me, and I feel if we are to get points taken off, that's the scene for it. We cant''t start out strong and then end with a lame ending. Not to mention, we skipped around in the script and pages were strewn across my home. So, not only can we not find the pages we need, we don't even know if we did a particualr scene yet. I'm sure we forget something. In fact, I have no doubts we forgot something. I'm going to have to talk to my group members tomorrow - see if we can reshoot tomorrow. The entire thing is due on Friday, no excuses.
I just...I can't handle things not going how I need them to go for this project. In fact, I've felt this way for a very long time. Every so often, I catch myself thinking about my friends and how dear they are to me, and then my brain switches to their habits...some of which I find annoying, but they're my friends, and I love them the way they are. But my mind likes to intesify things, so I go through my days questioning who I am friends with. Then I move on to myself, and how no one really knows me...
I was asked the other day in my English class in the 'hot seat' where a question is asked, and you have to answer...It's supposed to help with public speaking. I don't know - I don't care, I got it over with.
I picked number two.
My question was if I could pick any word to describe me, what would it be. I instantly thought 'act', but spent a few moments trying to find a less harmful word, a word that would make me feel less vulnerable...Then I thought that that would end up being an act, so it was appropriate. I said how I was very good at being a different person around certain people. What I meant by that, is that no one knows the real me. The honest me. I know the honest me, and she is a wreck. Completely unstable, supported only by the pillars of the fronts she puts up. I listen, I watch, I observe...I feel. I get frustrated. I feel like I'm watching my life through a television...I've seen the same thing over and over again...felt the same things over and over again...thought about accidently sliding a pair of scissors across my skin...leaping in front of a train....finding a garage and leaving the car on.
I hate those thoughts. I don't like to talk about them. It hurts. It scares me. I don't like feeling so open, I don't like sharing how I really feel. I don't like people knowing who I am, so I put up fronts that they can understand.
I say I don't cry often...that used to be true. But now it seems that every single time I think about something, everything in my mind gets blown out of proportion and my mind wanders to so many different planes that my emotional state just can't handle it. Through that, my physical being releases that stress, frustration and tension in the only way it knows possible...its cries. And I'm not talking about the cry, where a few tears leak, I'm talking about the body wracking, throat pounding cry. The cry's you take in the shower so no one can differentiate between tears and shower-water...the cry's when you wait until everyone else is asleep...making sure only you can hear yourself as you pathetically drift into sleep.
I get frustrated with myself, and I cry. And the worst part is, I never feel any better...because I try to bottle it up. I've been bottling my emotions since I was five years old. That is way too many years of choked emotion to escape with a few cry's. some days I wonder if its even worth it...just to even get out of bed. I know people would miss me, but they'd eventually get over it, and live would go on..and I'd be forgotten...just a blip on the map of existance. In and out in a flash. No worries. For me, at least.
I can't say anything else...my mind is telling me it's not safe - that's what it does when I'm getting too close to the truth. It screams 'retreat'. So, that's what I do. That's what I'm going to do...Whatever.
But break, my heart, for I must hold my tongue. -Hamlet
^_6;;Jereality
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