So, I've been thinking lately - a dangerous past time, I know.
But really, I have been. After the post the other day, I realized that I'm now over it. I don't think about it anymore. I usually think about the situation long and hard at least once a day - that's how bad it had been... Today, I went the entire day without any thoughts about it whatsoever.
However, I did also not really think about anything today. I kind of just existed. I made nothing that would constitute my living in the house. I made no messes. I made no friends. I made no tears. I didn't make my bed after I rolled out of it. I made no real noise. I did nothing of real consequence.
I did watch Fight Club (linked in title) one and 3/4 times, though. I watched it completely after seeing a clip of it on TV during dinner... and then I watched a little bit more with a running commentary...which I got fed up with because Brad Pitt (though, he is fantastically amazing in the movie) mumbles so badly! His clothes/style in the movie are amazing, though. Really, I love it.
A thought just popped into my head. And it is sad. As most of you already know, I have a lot of self-pity. All the shit that goes on in my life builds onto itself, and then one thing will happen and it's all 'woe is me'. Well, recently, I've developed.... no, that's a lie. I've had feelings for this one guy for a couple years... At the time, he was out of my league - enter: self-loathing, and it's shiny trophy wife, Self-pity. So, I really didn't talk to him.
Out of the blue - I don't remember how it happened, we started talking a couple months ago. He had a girlfriend then, and he has a girlfriend now. Neither of which are me. Not a problem. Except the fact that he makes me smile more than usual. -insert sigh here-
I don't know where I was going with this, I think I just wanted to be able to see it written down.
I want what I can't have.
It's how I operate.
It's how I thrive.
I make promises to myself about things that I can't have.
Then, I realize I won't ever have them because I'm a little bit pessimistic.
Self-Pity traipses over my face and parade.
Then I go and sleep.
That's how my life works when I just exist. I'll either sleep all day, or not sleep at all... That's when my serious bouts of insomnia break out the party lights. The insomnia causes me to stay up, which in turn dries out my contacts - because I'm not going to pretend to sleep if I know I'm not going to - which then gives hazy vision, which will lead to terrible head aches.
It's sad. That whole thing. I know exactly what will happen. That's what happens when I think. I think too much, which lets me know exactly what consequences will occur if I do certain things.
Fight Club encompasses my life.
I need a Tyler Durden.
^_6;; Jereality
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Saturday, December 20, 2008
I Am A Terrible Person
Hey.
What's up?
How're you?
That's good to hear.
What's up with me?
How am I doing?
...
....
.....
Not so good.
I am a terrible, horrible person. And the worst part is, people are starting to notice. Not people I've just met, because I've begun to train myself on honesty - so they know exactly how I feel when I feel it, and are used to my drastic changes in moods when certain people speak/enter a room/ breathe... However... my old friends, the friends I've had for years... The friends before college... They aren't quite attuned to this new honesty thing that I've got going. So, I try to hide my honesty thing away. This doesn't work, though.
Remember, once upon a time, I was a happy person who had a great boyfriend? No? I vaguely do, myself...
The night before I broke it off, I had a very long conversation about it with a great friend - at the time... It went something along the lines of leading people on, and if I'm not happy in the relationship anymore, there's no reason to continue it. Regardless, that conversation held a lot of sway on my decision on the relationship itself.
I'm growing nauseous just thinking about it... The entire situation as a whole... I make myself sick.
I think I said, that night with my friend, that she could give dating him a shot. I don't know what made me say that. I knew it would hurt me if she did. I didn't think she would do it. I also knew, that if dating him made her happy, I would be happy for her...
Then I went on vacation to New York with Onyx... It was so amazing. I had such a great time... and then I came back, went online... My first friend-to-me interaction was Topher/DaHammer saying to me 'I'm sorry'. Naturally, I was baffled. Then, he told me to check facebook. Before I could do that, I got a text from the friend I had spoken to about the boyfriend situation. It started off casually... 'Hey, how was your trip? Did you just get back?' things of that nature. Then it changed... 'What would you think if me and [your ex] were together?'
I remember staring at my phone, trying to see if there was any other way to read that message. If I was somehow misinterpretting it or something. I didn't know what to say, but I know that I felt my chest tighten as I hit 'Reply'. I said to her, 'I don't care. It's your life, I have no control over what you do with it.' Then, I sent it. Then I sent another, 'are you a couple?'... my response? 'Yes.'
Okay. Whatever. I just told her I didn't care, and I gave her the green light the week before...
So, I was sitting in my living room, in my chair... Mother laying on the couch reading a book, Sibling on the stairs leaning on the banester talking to Mother.... I was in my chair... supressing tears.
I don't know why I'm telling you all of this now. It's just been weighing on me so much... It's all I can think about sometimes. I thought there was some unwritten rule that ou couldn't date your close friend's exes. I thought she could read between my sarcasm and see that I was just trying to put up a front so she wouldn't see how hurt I was.
I bet she didn't even know I stopped myself from crying at her house. That I drove home from her house and cried over my decision. That the next night I couldn't even call him on the phone to break up. That I had to do it online so I couldn't see or hear his dissapointment... so he couldn't see or hear my weakness... That through the whole thing I could barely see the screen through tears...
Whatever. Okay.
They changed the Coffee Garden while I was away at college. I was invited by the Ex to come and see it, I agreed, but was hesitent because I had brought Liz, Runner, and Vincenzo down with me. Also, because I didn't know if she would be there. However, I went to see what the new interior looked like, and also because I wanted to see how he was doing. [Granted, he was the one who asked her out]. Well, I drove the four of us to the CG, and there he was sitting in front of the bay window... arms outstretched on the table...hands in hers.
Now, I had only spoken of this situation with Liz, so, she gave me a glance and I confirmed that this was the incident I had hoped to avoid. Regardless, I went in, introduced my roommates to my Ex and her. We had a lovely time, only because I lied. I forced every smile, every ounce of hate I wanted to pound into her face... And then we all left at closing time.
I tried to tell myself I was over it... But every time I hung out with her, she would always have the Ex around, too. Also, they're in love. I don't know how that works after two or three months, but I'm sure it feels great.
Okay. Whatever.
I know exactly how I feel about everything. The feeling that encompasses everything that I feel is hate. I hate him because he asked her out. I hate her for accepting. Most of all, though, I hate myself for pretending like I didn't care. I hate that I didn't say what I really thought of their relationship. I hate that I thought I wouldn't be hurt over the break up.
Now it doesn't matter. I've moved on. If you're reading this, and you know my circle of friends or you, yourself, are in my circle of friends, it's not at all difficult to figure out who is in the situation. If you're an avid reader, you could probably figure it out, too...
Doesn't matter. I hope she will understand - if she even reads this anymore - that I can't say anything to her face. I'm a coward in that sense, I guess. Also, I don't want to say anything I'll regret. I don't want to make her sad, I don't want to have to make her hurt. I don't know what I'd do if the situation brought itself up and I had the opportunity to tell her how I feel, because I think I'd hurt her. I don't know if it would just be emotional, either... I've bottled my anger for so long without dealing with it, I just might let it all go. And I know for a fact that I don't want to explode in front of her. She's been through enough as it is.
So, Jess. I'm sorry. Honestly.
What's up?
How're you?
That's good to hear.
What's up with me?
How am I doing?
...
....
.....
Not so good.
I am a terrible, horrible person. And the worst part is, people are starting to notice. Not people I've just met, because I've begun to train myself on honesty - so they know exactly how I feel when I feel it, and are used to my drastic changes in moods when certain people speak/enter a room/ breathe... However... my old friends, the friends I've had for years... The friends before college... They aren't quite attuned to this new honesty thing that I've got going. So, I try to hide my honesty thing away. This doesn't work, though.
Remember, once upon a time, I was a happy person who had a great boyfriend? No? I vaguely do, myself...
The night before I broke it off, I had a very long conversation about it with a great friend - at the time... It went something along the lines of leading people on, and if I'm not happy in the relationship anymore, there's no reason to continue it. Regardless, that conversation held a lot of sway on my decision on the relationship itself.
I'm growing nauseous just thinking about it... The entire situation as a whole... I make myself sick.
I think I said, that night with my friend, that she could give dating him a shot. I don't know what made me say that. I knew it would hurt me if she did. I didn't think she would do it. I also knew, that if dating him made her happy, I would be happy for her...
Then I went on vacation to New York with Onyx... It was so amazing. I had such a great time... and then I came back, went online... My first friend-to-me interaction was Topher/DaHammer saying to me 'I'm sorry'. Naturally, I was baffled. Then, he told me to check facebook. Before I could do that, I got a text from the friend I had spoken to about the boyfriend situation. It started off casually... 'Hey, how was your trip? Did you just get back?' things of that nature. Then it changed... 'What would you think if me and [your ex] were together?'
I remember staring at my phone, trying to see if there was any other way to read that message. If I was somehow misinterpretting it or something. I didn't know what to say, but I know that I felt my chest tighten as I hit 'Reply'. I said to her, 'I don't care. It's your life, I have no control over what you do with it.' Then, I sent it. Then I sent another, 'are you a couple?'... my response? 'Yes.'
Okay. Whatever. I just told her I didn't care, and I gave her the green light the week before...
So, I was sitting in my living room, in my chair... Mother laying on the couch reading a book, Sibling on the stairs leaning on the banester talking to Mother.... I was in my chair... supressing tears.
I don't know why I'm telling you all of this now. It's just been weighing on me so much... It's all I can think about sometimes. I thought there was some unwritten rule that ou couldn't date your close friend's exes. I thought she could read between my sarcasm and see that I was just trying to put up a front so she wouldn't see how hurt I was.
I bet she didn't even know I stopped myself from crying at her house. That I drove home from her house and cried over my decision. That the next night I couldn't even call him on the phone to break up. That I had to do it online so I couldn't see or hear his dissapointment... so he couldn't see or hear my weakness... That through the whole thing I could barely see the screen through tears...
Whatever. Okay.
They changed the Coffee Garden while I was away at college. I was invited by the Ex to come and see it, I agreed, but was hesitent because I had brought Liz, Runner, and Vincenzo down with me. Also, because I didn't know if she would be there. However, I went to see what the new interior looked like, and also because I wanted to see how he was doing. [Granted, he was the one who asked her out]. Well, I drove the four of us to the CG, and there he was sitting in front of the bay window... arms outstretched on the table...hands in hers.
Now, I had only spoken of this situation with Liz, so, she gave me a glance and I confirmed that this was the incident I had hoped to avoid. Regardless, I went in, introduced my roommates to my Ex and her. We had a lovely time, only because I lied. I forced every smile, every ounce of hate I wanted to pound into her face... And then we all left at closing time.
I tried to tell myself I was over it... But every time I hung out with her, she would always have the Ex around, too. Also, they're in love. I don't know how that works after two or three months, but I'm sure it feels great.
Okay. Whatever.
I know exactly how I feel about everything. The feeling that encompasses everything that I feel is hate. I hate him because he asked her out. I hate her for accepting. Most of all, though, I hate myself for pretending like I didn't care. I hate that I didn't say what I really thought of their relationship. I hate that I thought I wouldn't be hurt over the break up.
Now it doesn't matter. I've moved on. If you're reading this, and you know my circle of friends or you, yourself, are in my circle of friends, it's not at all difficult to figure out who is in the situation. If you're an avid reader, you could probably figure it out, too...
Doesn't matter. I hope she will understand - if she even reads this anymore - that I can't say anything to her face. I'm a coward in that sense, I guess. Also, I don't want to say anything I'll regret. I don't want to make her sad, I don't want to have to make her hurt. I don't know what I'd do if the situation brought itself up and I had the opportunity to tell her how I feel, because I think I'd hurt her. I don't know if it would just be emotional, either... I've bottled my anger for so long without dealing with it, I just might let it all go. And I know for a fact that I don't want to explode in front of her. She's been through enough as it is.
So, Jess. I'm sorry. Honestly.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Procrasti-something
Me: - isn't doing work-
Liz: Jereality! Do your work! Me too!
-I have a paper to write, you see.... and I'm doing everything I can to not do my work... Including this... Yay!-
^_6;;Jereality - pretending to do work for a very long time...
Liz: Jereality! Do your work! Me too!
-I have a paper to write, you see.... and I'm doing everything I can to not do my work... Including this... Yay!-
^_6;;Jereality - pretending to do work for a very long time...
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
My Tea Tastes Like... Evil
Okie dokie...
This week is Finals Week. I've decided that finals, themselves, are unnecessary. If the Professors and Doctors teach the information properly, we, the students, should know it. If finals are needed, they should be reflected in the Doctor's and Professor's salaries, because obviously they did something wrong in teaching. If they taught correctly, we would know the information.
Mostly, I'm typing this up because I'm distracted right now. I think I'm going to list to you some things I want to list for you. I was going to tell you that it was a list of things that I liked, but I can't promise that.
- I like Earl Grey Tea
- I do not like the water at my place of College Learning
- I like texting
- A lot...
- I hate the commercials about Jay's Baked Beans
- I really like animals
- I'd rather live in a cave than on the sun
- I like shiny things
- Taylor Swift is growing on me
- Not literally, I just like some of her songs
- I like when music connects with my life
- I like to say 'Epic Fail' and 'Full of Win'
- The entire left side of my body hurts... That's the broken toe side and my pinky hurts a lot now
- Going to bed is a waste of my life
- I love to sleep
- Contradictions are my specialty
- I also hate the Manwich commercials... Mac and Cheese is more entertaining than manwich
- I like making fun of James Blunt's singing
- I really like Lingo
- Also, I like Chain Reaction...
- GSN is a good time
And so, this concludes my typing now... I might be going to sleep.... I think... I don't know yet... We'll see. G'bye!
^_6;;Jereality
This week is Finals Week. I've decided that finals, themselves, are unnecessary. If the Professors and Doctors teach the information properly, we, the students, should know it. If finals are needed, they should be reflected in the Doctor's and Professor's salaries, because obviously they did something wrong in teaching. If they taught correctly, we would know the information.
Mostly, I'm typing this up because I'm distracted right now. I think I'm going to list to you some things I want to list for you. I was going to tell you that it was a list of things that I liked, but I can't promise that.
- I like Earl Grey Tea
- I do not like the water at my place of College Learning
- I like texting
- A lot...
- I hate the commercials about Jay's Baked Beans
- I really like animals
- I'd rather live in a cave than on the sun
- I like shiny things
- Taylor Swift is growing on me
- Not literally, I just like some of her songs
- I like when music connects with my life
- I like to say 'Epic Fail' and 'Full of Win'
- The entire left side of my body hurts... That's the broken toe side and my pinky hurts a lot now
- Going to bed is a waste of my life
- I love to sleep
- Contradictions are my specialty
- I also hate the Manwich commercials... Mac and Cheese is more entertaining than manwich
- I like making fun of James Blunt's singing
- I really like Lingo
- Also, I like Chain Reaction...
- GSN is a good time
And so, this concludes my typing now... I might be going to sleep.... I think... I don't know yet... We'll see. G'bye!
^_6;;Jereality
Sunday, December 07, 2008
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Jereality? Ha Ha Ha!
Alright, so at my collegiate place of learning, it is sometimes fun to accept care packages that our parents bought for us that the college gives to us. So, Audrina, Liz and I got a note telling us that we had such a wonderful package. Well, Liz's name was messed up, and for the purpose of the story, I'm keeping the names as they are. Audrina's name was fine, my name was fine, and Liz's name was 'Lizard'. We all laughed and made fun of 'Lizard', because this is not the first time her name has been messed up. So, we go to get our packages and we walk in, and the guy who calls out the name is like 'Audrina, Lizard, Jereality... Jereality? Who's Jereality [-insert laughter here-]'
And I was like "Her name is LIZARD! My name is normal! Her name is a thing!" And they continued to laugh at my name... I don't understand!! What's so funny about my name? It's normal! Stupid... I don't like them...
That's it... That's all I have to say about it... It bothers me.... Whatever... whatever!
^_6;;Jereality....
And I was like "Her name is LIZARD! My name is normal! Her name is a thing!" And they continued to laugh at my name... I don't understand!! What's so funny about my name? It's normal! Stupid... I don't like them...
That's it... That's all I have to say about it... It bothers me.... Whatever... whatever!
^_6;;Jereality....
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Binary...
Don't worry, the English words are under this mess of 1's and 0's, trust me. However, if you copy and paste this into the site that is linked from the title, you'll see the same thing... Also, you'll be tempted to write things in Binary....
I've decided to do this post in Binary. Sibling gave me a site that will translate what I'm saying, and I figured I would share this with you. Also, Onyx was complaining earlier that I don't update as frequently as I probably should. I told her it was because nothing of sever consequence was going on, however, that did not seem to thwart her attempts at trying to get me to post.
So, at the moment I'm listening and trying to gather as many 'messed up' Christmas songs. I've got so many, and by so many, I mean ten. I have ten songs so far. I will list them for you...
1. Noel! Noel! - by Eve 6
2. O Holy Night - by Cartmen, from South Park
3. The Most Wonderful Time of the Year (It's a Punk Rock Christmas) - by Gifted But Twisted
4. Jingle Bells - by The Barenaked Ladies
5. The Twelve Days of Christmas - by Bob and Doug McKenna
6. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer - by Elmo and Patsy
7. Grandpa's Gonna Sue the Pants off of Santa - by Elmo and Patsy
8. The Chanukuh Song - by Adam Sandler
9. The Chaunkuh Song, Part 2 - by Adam Sandler
10. Dominick The Donkey - by Lou Monte
And that's all I have right now. It's kind of sad... So, if you guys have some suggestions that would fit nicely with the assortment I've already collected, I would be very much obliged.
Wasn't that a blast?!
You know you liked it,
^_6;; Jereality
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01100100 01100001 01101101 00100000 01010011 01100001 01101110 01100100 01101100 01100101 01110010 00001101 00001010 00111001 00101110 00100000 01010100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01000011 01101000 01100001 01110101 01101110 01101011 01110101 01101000 00100000 01010011 01101111 01101110 01100111 00101100 00100000 01010000 01100001 01110010 01110100 00100000 00110010 00100000 00101101 00100000 01100010 01111001 00100000 01000001 01100100 01100001 01101101 00100000 01010011 01100001 01101110 01100100 01101100 01100101 01110010 00001101 00001010 00110001 00110000 00101110 00100000 01000100 01101111 01101101 01101001 01101110 01101001 01100011 01101011 00100000 01010100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01000100 01101111 01101110 01101011 01100101 01111001 00100000 00101101 00100000 01100010 01111001 00100000 01001100 01101111 01110101 00100000 01001101 01101111 01101110 01110100 01100101 00001101 00001010 00001101 00001010 01000001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100111 01110011 00100000 01100001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01001001 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110110 01100101 00100000 01110010 01101001 01100111 01101000 01110100 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110111 00101110 00100000 01001001 01110100 00100111 01110011 00100000 01101011 01101001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01110011 01100001 01100100 00101110 00101110 00101110 00100000 01010011 01101111 00101100 00100000 01101001 01100110 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100111 01110101 01111001 01110011 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110110 01100101 00100000 01110011 01101111 01101101 01100101 00100000 01110011 01110101 01100111 01100111 01100101 01110011 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 01110011 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01110111 01101111 01110101 01101100 01100100 00100000 01100110 01101001 01110100 00100000 01101110 01101001 01100011 01100101 01101100 01111001 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100001 01110011 01110011 01101111 01110010 01110100 01101101 01100101 01101110 01110100 00100000 01001001 00100111 01110110 01100101 00100000 01100001 01101100 01110010 01100101 01100001 01100100 01111001 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101100 01101100 01100101 01100011 01110100 01100101 01100100 00101100 00100000 01001001 00100000 01110111 01101111 01110101 01101100 01100100 00100000 01100010 01100101 00100000 01110110 01100101 01110010 01111001 00100000 01101101 01110101 01100011 01101000 00100000 01101111 01100010 01101100 01101001 01100111 01100101 01100100 00101110 I've decided to do this post in Binary. Sibling gave me a site that will translate what I'm saying, and I figured I would share this with you. Also, Onyx was complaining earlier that I don't update as frequently as I probably should. I told her it was because nothing of sever consequence was going on, however, that did not seem to thwart her attempts at trying to get me to post.
So, at the moment I'm listening and trying to gather as many 'messed up' Christmas songs. I've got so many, and by so many, I mean ten. I have ten songs so far. I will list them for you...
1. Noel! Noel! - by Eve 6
2. O Holy Night - by Cartmen, from South Park
3. The Most Wonderful Time of the Year (It's a Punk Rock Christmas) - by Gifted But Twisted
4. Jingle Bells - by The Barenaked Ladies
5. The Twelve Days of Christmas - by Bob and Doug McKenna
6. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer - by Elmo and Patsy
7. Grandpa's Gonna Sue the Pants off of Santa - by Elmo and Patsy
8. The Chanukuh Song - by Adam Sandler
9. The Chaunkuh Song, Part 2 - by Adam Sandler
10. Dominick The Donkey - by Lou Monte
And that's all I have right now. It's kind of sad... So, if you guys have some suggestions that would fit nicely with the assortment I've already collected, I would be very much obliged.
Wasn't that a blast?!
You know you liked it,
^_6;; Jereality
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