I thought I had a couple things figured out, I'm not going to go into great detail with them, because I would bore myself to tears, and I don't even want to wish something like that on you...
I lied.
Several years ago there was a boy - isn't there always, though? - and I liked this boy, and this boy liked me... and things seemed like they would work out great... Until my best friend said, Jereality, open your eyes really quick, Boy also likes other girl. And that's when I said to myself, 'Self... you shall never try care for anyone ever again.'
Two years pass. I meet another boy. I like this boy and unbeknownst to me, he liked me as well. In the land of magic, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I accepted. Another friend of mine said, hey, Jereality, open your eyes really quick... This other girl likes your boyfriend... I saw her talking to him... And then I became wary.
This relationship lasted through the rest of the school year and the summer. Then I ended the relationship. I didn't think I was ready to pursue anything... At least, not with my heart all boarded up like it was. I soon left the state on vacation... and came back to find boy and girl who liked boy now in a relationship. Wonderful.
More years go by. Meanwhile, I still harbor feelings for boy who caused me to grab nails and timber for my metaphorical heart. Sure, crushes go by and other unattainable side glances wander along - and I continue to float through life single. Not that that's a problem. Until for some odd reason I start talking to boy 1 again.
I don't know what started the conversation, or when... or who initiated - probably me, late at night, under the influence of fatigue or some hyper active sugar high. We spoke for a while, reminiscing about the times we had back in high school. He had wondered what cut our friendship off there. I still haven't told him. He says the nicest things, though...
He's broken. Several times over. He doesn't know that he's the reason I've never been able to be broken. Except now... now that we are seeing more of each other, I fear the weathering of whatever friendship-relationship we've got going on is causing the timbers around my heart to shrink and the nails to move.
'We're friends' he says. I know, I say. 'Do you?' he says.
I am a liar, though - the best liar I know. I can even lie to myself. 'You don't like him. You couldn't possibly like him. You still know he's chasing after the girl from before, right? You've seen them together... You know they're still friends.' I know the last half of that to be true. They are still friends. And why shouldn't they be? I want to know why, though, when I come back into the picture so does she... or is it vice versa?
And when I take a step back from my life, and look at what I'm doing... I'm pining once again over someone I can not have. If I force the relationship, it won't turn out well for either of us. I make myself sick with the thoughts I have, those nauseating 'maybe he'll come around' type of things. No, he won't. Just move on. I wonder if everyone in this situation sees both sides of this, or just the one...
Friends? Friends with benefits? Boyfriend and Girlfriend?
If I'm the first one, I'll be happy to see him. If I'm the second one I'll be... disappointed in myself, I think. And for some reason, I doubt we will ever escalade passed friendship.
I'd like to say 'stupid boy, who needs him...' but the nauseating thoughts come back, and I think 'I want him...'
And here we go again.
