Hugs and Kisses

This is a pretty pessimistic post... So, if you're in a great mood... don't read it if you don't want your mood to drop... and if you're already in a crap-mood... well, I don't think you're going to be happier... Here goes...

Love is an over used word.

You can love a person, true enough, you can love a pet also... you can also love Stacy's new bag, or Jack's new ride. Also, the weather, that cake you had at the restaurant your family loves, and what your hair is currently deciding it wants to do.

Do you really love these things? Probably not, you just really like them... though, for lack of a better word, you love them. It used to be that you would only say that you loved a person.... and even then, you said it and you meant it.

As I think about the people in my house, there are four who live there currently, I say 'i love you' to two of them. And it's true, I love my parents. It doesn't, mean, however, that I don't love my sister. I just don't say the words. I don't know why, I think I used to, but I don't anymore... And my friend, Sir, who lives at my house says he loves me - I think it's the love best friends have, that he reminds me he has for me, if it's not, I'm oblivious... but my response to him nine out of ten times is 'I know', the other percentage is online, where I just respond with a smiley face. I friend-love him, too, but I don't say it....

Why? Because I think the word has been cheapened over the years...

And as the months get colder, and I hear the word love thrown around, all I can think about is how I am alone. How I have all kinds of family-love and friend-love to go around, but when I wake up at four:fifty-seven, that sentiment from home won't wrap it's arms around me and ask me if I'm okay and continue to keep me warm at night.

I just want to be held, I think, and to have my own guy to say 'i love you' to... that's it...

Whoa....

So... updates... This will probably wind up being a short bulleted list of what's on my mind... In fact, let's start with college...

College is happening at a rapid speed and I'm not so sure I enjoy the pace at which the professors are throwing knowledge at us.

I think I'm becoming a depressed person again.

No, I don't want to talk about it.

Yes, I'm sure.

I foresee myself going home on the weekends more often than not to escape this place.

My friends are more helpful than they know.

^_6;;

Success.

So, I managed to get Mr. Sir out of my mind. Yay me. It wasn't that difficult, I just had to open my eyes and look down the hall. Oh, hello there other Sir. What have we here?

I'll tell you what we've got: Opportunity.

So now what I've got going on in my life is a kind of romantic comedy going on, if it were a movie. Now, viewers, sit back and enjoy the ride, because the protagonist has just met a possibility. The guy you go 'oh look! Not a douchebag!' So, good for him.

Anyway, we just met... and school is ending. And now I'm going home. This romantic movie has its twists now. Oh dear. Ah well. Next year, the possibilities are endless. However, I'm focussed now on the summer... Because for the past several months the sun and the bright green grass and the constant sleeping until noon is what I've been craving.

Also - I'm pretty sure I need to desperately clean my room at home. Plus, I've got a whole mess of junk from the dorm room that needs to find a home in my actual home... so.... it'll be an adventure.... The time fast-forward, with the musical montage of clips of time passing, if we continue with the movie theme, I guess.

I wonder how it will end.... This is very exciting! Stay tuned!

^_6;; Jereality

I Swear These Are Going To Stop Being About This Soon....

The past couple [amount of time since I have last posted J] have been very, oh, what’s the word I’m looking for… productive? No, that’s not the word… Interesting? That’s not the word I really want either, but I suppose both of them describe together the amount of time since the post below up until now.

The guy I was talking about – he and I got all that nonsense squared away…. I reread the post, all of it still applies and all of that still bothers me so much. The desperation, teen drama movie it all sounds like… I don’t appreciate it. Anyway, the two of us spoke, and I would up looking like a babbling brook – thinking back, we did look as if the situation could have been on a movie screen. It makes me wonder if that happens to anyone else…

So, the babbling brook thing – after the water works started, he did what he would normally do if someone he knew was sad, I guess, and went for a hug. And for some reason, the second I felt his arms on my back I kind of shrank… He didn’t even get a real hug on me, it was just the beginnings of a hug, where his arm had just barely touched me… He backed off like he had been burned.

At the time, I had felt so small – vulnerable – because when he waits for you to speak, he stares right at you. Not because he wants you to speak, but because it’s polite to look someone in the eye when they speak. [On a side note, I totally love that – when people look other people in the eye when they speak…. Respect is amazing] But when I’m sitting there on the edge of his bed, my arms wrapped around my legs, looking – searching – out the window for anything to help me find the words I wanted, while his eyes were on me… It’s a high pressure situation… because I am scared of being honest with someone I care so much about in a room so quiet and in such close proximity – of both physical distance and my heart breaking….

After I was finished speaking – my eyes dripping stupid emotions [which caused him to go and scour his house for tissues for me…. again] while I had been speaking – I was silent for a while… And then it was his turn. He said everything I already knew and didn’t want to hear, but there is always hope for the future. We were both silent then, and then there was a hug – the hug that he told himself he wouldn’t give me, and the hug I told myself I wouldn’t cry over as he gave it to me. Obviously, both were done.

The tears from the hug shocked me – I had already taken my deep breaths, and looked out the window, shaken everything off and put into place what he had said. I thought I had everything under control, and put him off the “shelf”… but as soon as he hugged me – tears. Obnoxious, stupid girl emotions. Big baby….

Eventually, when I left, he walked me to the door and we both agreed that we would try a hug again – sans tears. A success. Then, we said our goodbyes, and I went on my way to Onyx’s house…

I’m sure if I could fast forward through all of my silence in that room, I only spoke for about fifteen minutes. I was there for about an hour and a half. But because of that time, that night – for the first time since January – I didn’t think about any sort of rendezvous we had had, and just fell asleep. It wasn’t even a dreamless sleep, it was just a great night’s sleep. I woke up refreshed and happy… It was good.

He said not to wait for him, because he knew that I would. That’s where he’s wrong. I won’t wait for him. True, I will always care for him – but I’m not going to stop living because his life currently is focused elsewhere. I’m not going to be waiting around – I hate waiting… Besides, I managed to push him out of my romantic sights before, I can do it again.

^_6;; Jereality

I Never Thought I'd Be One Of These People

So, life is a pretty confusing thing... As soon as you think you know what's what and you are finally happy with what 'what' is 'what' changes all over again into something. And something is completely different from what.

I thought I had a couple things figured out, I'm not going to go into great detail with them, because I would bore myself to tears, and I don't even want to wish something like that on you...

I lied.

Several years ago there was a boy - isn't there always, though? - and I liked this boy, and this boy liked me... and things seemed like they would work out great... Until my best friend said, Jereality, open your eyes really quick, Boy also likes other girl. And that's when I said to myself, 'Self... you shall never try care for anyone ever again.'

Two years pass. I meet another boy. I like this boy and unbeknownst to me, he liked me as well. In the land of magic, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I accepted. Another friend of mine said, hey, Jereality, open your eyes really quick... This other girl likes your boyfriend... I saw her talking to him... And then I became wary.

This relationship lasted through the rest of the school year and the summer. Then I ended the relationship. I didn't think I was ready to pursue anything... At least, not with my heart all boarded up like it was. I soon left the state on vacation... and came back to find boy and girl who liked boy now in a relationship. Wonderful.

More years go by. Meanwhile, I still harbor feelings for boy who caused me to grab nails and timber for my metaphorical heart. Sure, crushes go by and other unattainable side glances wander along - and I continue to float through life single. Not that that's a problem. Until for some odd reason I start talking to boy 1 again.

I don't know what started the conversation, or when... or who initiated - probably me, late at night, under the influence of fatigue or some hyper active sugar high. We spoke for a while, reminiscing about the times we had back in high school. He had wondered what cut our friendship off there. I still haven't told him. He says the nicest things, though...

He's broken. Several times over. He doesn't know that he's the reason I've never been able to be broken. Except now... now that we are seeing more of each other, I fear the weathering of whatever friendship-relationship we've got going on is causing the timbers around my heart to shrink and the nails to move.

'We're friends' he says. I know, I say. 'Do you?' he says.

I am a liar, though - the best liar I know. I can even lie to myself. 'You don't like him. You couldn't possibly like him. You still know he's chasing after the girl from before, right? You've seen them together... You know they're still friends.' I know the last half of that to be true. They are still friends. And why shouldn't they be? I want to know why, though, when I come back into the picture so does she... or is it vice versa?

And when I take a step back from my life, and look at what I'm doing... I'm pining once again over someone I can not have. If I force the relationship, it won't turn out well for either of us. I make myself sick with the thoughts I have, those nauseating 'maybe he'll come around' type of things. No, he won't. Just move on. I wonder if everyone in this situation sees both sides of this, or just the one...

Friends? Friends with benefits? Boyfriend and Girlfriend?

If I'm the first one, I'll be happy to see him. If I'm the second one I'll be... disappointed in myself, I think. And for some reason, I doubt we will ever escalade passed friendship.

I'd like to say 'stupid boy, who needs him...' but the nauseating thoughts come back, and I think 'I want him...'

And here we go again.

I Will Be As Harsh As Truth And As Uncompromising As Justice

I would very much like to be viewed as an adult by my parents. I don't know why they feel the need to treat me as if I'm a four year old in the big, bustling world. I'm not two feet tall, alone in the mall. I don't need my hand held when I cross the street. Don't leave my door open a crack with the light on in the hallway - I don't even need you to check if there are monsters in the closet or under my bed. Why? Because I'm an adult.

Dear Parents,

You taught me many things growing up - things I am very grateful for, believe me. You taught me to be good, so as I grew up, I tried my best to be good. I didn't stare at people, I wasn't loud in restaurants, I didn't talk back often - and when I did, I knew what I did was wrong and apologized. I was polite to people, and never spoke to strangers. You taught me how to tie my shoes. You taught me how to ride a bike. You taught me my phone number and how to write my name on all of my school supplies (just in case). Importantly, "Yes" and "No". You taught me so many things, and through the years I grew up.

Growing up I learned that not talking to people, and not looking around has made me slightly paranoid. This makes friendships hard to gain and maintain.

I've learned that, despite my being the daughter, Mother, I've become your therapist. It was my role in my group of friends, I took it well, but when you turned to me and began showing me your weaknesses, began to chip away at the pillar that labeled you my Mother, and formed it into one that simply read 'Friend' - our relationship changed. Of course you are still my Mother, and I do love you - but I am not six years old anymore, and I don't know how I can look up to someone who has to look down for advice. Dad, you just make me sad. How many times do you have to ask 'how are you' and get the response 'I'm fine' before realizing that I'm not really fine?

I've learned that everyone around me had a different curfew. This bothered me at a young age because I have always had some sort of affinity for the night. I just like to be awake. You made me go to bed. I would know that most of my friends would be awake for another hour or two, because no ten year old when to bed at nine o'clock. Now that I am twenty, my curfew hasn't been dropped completely, like it should have been - it has just been altered a few hours. Now, I must be home by midnight. I am not Cinderella. I am always safe - you taught me this.

Now, because of this curfew, you have me being bad. For the first time in twenty years I am not following your rules. You figure I will be home by midnight, but I won't be. I will probably be home by two. What time do my other friends get home by? My other adult friends? They safely get home when the gathering is over. I feel with the skills you have taught me growing up, I have learned to be safe, I have learned "yes" and I have learned "no." I feel those three things are the most important things you have taught me. Which is why I don't understand why I can't stay over someone's house if a large group of us are going to be there. If that someone is male, why can't I stay over if there are going to be other females over? Furthermore - why don't you trust me enough to take care of myself?

I remember - it's because you don't listen to me when I talk to you. Don't try to deny it, you've told me those words yourself. Of course, you could say you don't remember saying them - it doesn't matter though, I will always remember. Just like tonight, when you said that the trust between you and I was wearing thin... You said earlier to make the best decision - the best decision was to stay. I'm sorry.

I'm just going to stay at school unless I have to come home, I guess - if I disappoint you that much. I'm sorry I wasn't planned, I'm sorry I don't get the best grades, I'm sorry you can't trust me now. I'm sorry I've become a disaster child. I hope that what you wanted to hear.

With love,

;;Jereality