The past couple [amount of time since I have last posted J] have been very, oh, what’s the word I’m looking for… productive? No, that’s not the word… Interesting? That’s not the word I really want either, but I suppose both of them describe together the amount of time since the post below up until now.
The guy I was talking about – he and I got all that nonsense squared away…. I reread the post, all of it still applies and all of that still bothers me so much. The desperation, teen drama movie it all sounds like… I don’t appreciate it. Anyway, the two of us spoke, and I would up looking like a babbling brook – thinking back, we did look as if the situation could have been on a movie screen. It makes me wonder if that happens to anyone else…
So, the babbling brook thing – after the water works started, he did what he would normally do if someone he knew was sad, I guess, and went for a hug. And for some reason, the second I felt his arms on my back I kind of shrank… He didn’t even get a real hug on me, it was just the beginnings of a hug, where his arm had just barely touched me… He backed off like he had been burned.
At the time, I had felt so small – vulnerable – because when he waits for you to speak, he stares right at you. Not because he wants you to speak, but because it’s polite to look someone in the eye when they speak. [On a side note, I totally love that – when people look other people in the eye when they speak…. Respect is amazing] But when I’m sitting there on the edge of his bed, my arms wrapped around my legs, looking – searching – out the window for anything to help me find the words I wanted, while his eyes were on me… It’s a high pressure situation… because I am scared of being honest with someone I care so much about in a room so quiet and in such close proximity – of both physical distance and my heart breaking….
After I was finished speaking – my eyes dripping stupid emotions [which caused him to go and scour his house for tissues for me…. again] while I had been speaking – I was silent for a while… And then it was his turn. He said everything I already knew and didn’t want to hear, but there is always hope for the future. We were both silent then, and then there was a hug – the hug that he told himself he wouldn’t give me, and the hug I told myself I wouldn’t cry over as he gave it to me. Obviously, both were done.
The tears from the hug shocked me – I had already taken my deep breaths, and looked out the window, shaken everything off and put into place what he had said. I thought I had everything under control, and put him off the “shelf”… but as soon as he hugged me – tears. Obnoxious, stupid girl emotions. Big baby….
Eventually, when I left, he walked me to the door and we both agreed that we would try a hug again – sans tears. A success. Then, we said our goodbyes, and I went on my way to Onyx’s house…
I’m sure if I could fast forward through all of my silence in that room, I only spoke for about fifteen minutes. I was there for about an hour and a half. But because of that time, that night – for the first time since January – I didn’t think about any sort of rendezvous we had had, and just fell asleep. It wasn’t even a dreamless sleep, it was just a great night’s sleep. I woke up refreshed and happy… It was good.
He said not to wait for him, because he knew that I would. That’s where he’s wrong. I won’t wait for him. True, I will always care for him – but I’m not going to stop living because his life currently is focused elsewhere. I’m not going to be waiting around – I hate waiting… Besides, I managed to push him out of my romantic sights before, I can do it again.
^_6;; Jereality
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