I Am A Terrible Person

Hey.
What's up?
How're you?
That's good to hear.
What's up with me?
How am I doing?
...
....
.....
Not so good.


I am a terrible, horrible person. And the worst part is, people are starting to notice. Not people I've just met, because I've begun to train myself on honesty - so they know exactly how I feel when I feel it, and are used to my drastic changes in moods when certain people speak/enter a room/ breathe... However... my old friends, the friends I've had for years... The friends before college... They aren't quite attuned to this new honesty thing that I've got going. So, I try to hide my honesty thing away. This doesn't work, though.

Remember, once upon a time, I was a happy person who had a great boyfriend? No? I vaguely do, myself...

The night before I broke it off, I had a very long conversation about it with a great friend - at the time... It went something along the lines of leading people on, and if I'm not happy in the relationship anymore, there's no reason to continue it. Regardless, that conversation held a lot of sway on my decision on the relationship itself.

I'm growing nauseous just thinking about it... The entire situation as a whole... I make myself sick.

I think I said, that night with my friend, that she could give dating him a shot. I don't know what made me say that. I knew it would hurt me if she did. I didn't think she would do it. I also knew, that if dating him made her happy, I would be happy for her...

Then I went on vacation to New York with Onyx... It was so amazing. I had such a great time... and then I came back, went online... My first friend-to-me interaction was Topher/DaHammer saying to me 'I'm sorry'. Naturally, I was baffled. Then, he told me to check facebook. Before I could do that, I got a text from the friend I had spoken to about the boyfriend situation. It started off casually... 'Hey, how was your trip? Did you just get back?' things of that nature. Then it changed... 'What would you think if me and [your ex] were together?'

I remember staring at my phone, trying to see if there was any other way to read that message. If I was somehow misinterpretting it or something. I didn't know what to say, but I know that I felt my chest tighten as I hit 'Reply'. I said to her, 'I don't care. It's your life, I have no control over what you do with it.' Then, I sent it. Then I sent another, 'are you a couple?'... my response? 'Yes.'

Okay. Whatever. I just told her I didn't care, and I gave her the green light the week before...

So, I was sitting in my living room, in my chair... Mother laying on the couch reading a book, Sibling on the stairs leaning on the banester talking to Mother.... I was in my chair... supressing tears.

I don't know why I'm telling you all of this now. It's just been weighing on me so much... It's all I can think about sometimes. I thought there was some unwritten rule that ou couldn't date your close friend's exes. I thought she could read between my sarcasm and see that I was just trying to put up a front so she wouldn't see how hurt I was.

I bet she didn't even know I stopped myself from crying at her house. That I drove home from her house and cried over my decision. That the next night I couldn't even call him on the phone to break up. That I had to do it online so I couldn't see or hear his dissapointment... so he couldn't see or hear my weakness... That through the whole thing I could barely see the screen through tears...

Whatever. Okay.




They changed the Coffee Garden while I was away at college. I was invited by the Ex to come and see it, I agreed, but was hesitent because I had brought Liz, Runner, and Vincenzo down with me. Also, because I didn't know if she would be there. However, I went to see what the new interior looked like, and also because I wanted to see how he was doing. [Granted, he was the one who asked her out]. Well, I drove the four of us to the CG, and there he was sitting in front of the bay window... arms outstretched on the table...hands in hers.

Now, I had only spoken of this situation with Liz, so, she gave me a glance and I confirmed that this was the incident I had hoped to avoid. Regardless, I went in, introduced my roommates to my Ex and her. We had a lovely time, only because I lied. I forced every smile, every ounce of hate I wanted to pound into her face... And then we all left at closing time.

I tried to tell myself I was over it... But every time I hung out with her, she would always have the Ex around, too. Also, they're in love. I don't know how that works after two or three months, but I'm sure it feels great.


Okay. Whatever.

I know exactly how I feel about everything. The feeling that encompasses everything that I feel is hate. I hate him because he asked her out. I hate her for accepting. Most of all, though, I hate myself for pretending like I didn't care. I hate that I didn't say what I really thought of their relationship. I hate that I thought I wouldn't be hurt over the break up.

Now it doesn't matter. I've moved on. If you're reading this, and you know my circle of friends or you, yourself, are in my circle of friends, it's not at all difficult to figure out who is in the situation. If you're an avid reader, you could probably figure it out, too...

Doesn't matter. I hope she will understand - if she even reads this anymore - that I can't say anything to her face. I'm a coward in that sense, I guess. Also, I don't want to say anything I'll regret. I don't want to make her sad, I don't want to have to make her hurt. I don't know what I'd do if the situation brought itself up and I had the opportunity to tell her how I feel, because I think I'd hurt her. I don't know if it would just be emotional, either... I've bottled my anger for so long without dealing with it, I just might let it all go. And I know for a fact that I don't want to explode in front of her. She's been through enough as it is.

So, Jess. I'm sorry. Honestly.