I am Jack's complete lack of surprise.

So, I've been thinking lately - a dangerous past time, I know.

But really, I have been. After the post the other day, I realized that I'm now over it. I don't think about it anymore. I usually think about the situation long and hard at least once a day - that's how bad it had been... Today, I went the entire day without any thoughts about it whatsoever.

However, I did also not really think about anything today. I kind of just existed. I made nothing that would constitute my living in the house. I made no messes. I made no friends. I made no tears. I didn't make my bed after I rolled out of it. I made no real noise. I did nothing of real consequence.

I did watch Fight Club (linked in title) one and 3/4 times, though. I watched it completely after seeing a clip of it on TV during dinner... and then I watched a little bit more with a running commentary...which I got fed up with because Brad Pitt (though, he is fantastically amazing in the movie) mumbles so badly! His clothes/style in the movie are amazing, though. Really, I love it.

A thought just popped into my head. And it is sad. As most of you already know, I have a lot of self-pity. All the shit that goes on in my life builds onto itself, and then one thing will happen and it's all 'woe is me'. Well, recently, I've developed.... no, that's a lie. I've had feelings for this one guy for a couple years... At the time, he was out of my league - enter: self-loathing, and it's shiny trophy wife, Self-pity. So, I really didn't talk to him.

Out of the blue - I don't remember how it happened, we started talking a couple months ago. He had a girlfriend then, and he has a girlfriend now. Neither of which are me. Not a problem. Except the fact that he makes me smile more than usual. -insert sigh here-

I don't know where I was going with this, I think I just wanted to be able to see it written down.

I want what I can't have.

It's how I operate.

It's how I thrive.

I make promises to myself about things that I can't have.

Then, I realize I won't ever have them because I'm a little bit pessimistic.

Self-Pity traipses over my face and parade.

Then I go and sleep.

That's how my life works when I just exist. I'll either sleep all day, or not sleep at all... That's when my serious bouts of insomnia break out the party lights. The insomnia causes me to stay up, which in turn dries out my contacts - because I'm not going to pretend to sleep if I know I'm not going to - which then gives hazy vision, which will lead to terrible head aches.

It's sad. That whole thing. I know exactly what will happen. That's what happens when I think. I think too much, which lets me know exactly what consequences will occur if I do certain things.

Fight Club encompasses my life.

I need a Tyler Durden.

^_6;; Jereality