I used to go to school with my friends - we don't go to the same schools now.
I used to be able to say 'I never had to say "I used to be friends with so-and-so" ' - but apparently, I can say that now.
There are just some times that I wish I wasn't allowed to say some things - for instance, "I used to be friends with her." I wish I never had to say that. It seems I am a terrible friend, that, because I don't 'pick-sides' during an argument between two of my friends, means I don't care about said friends. This, however, is not true. The fact that I don't pick sides is because I can see both sides of the story - I understand where each party is coming from. Some people don't understand how I can see both of those sides - and I refuse to make them see it - but I can. It's a gift. And suddenly, now, a curse.
Where's-Your-Logic-At (WYLA) is now, I think a 'used-to-be-friends-with' friend. She had a party I couldn't make it to... I felt bad that I couldn't make it, however, I had made plans with GGR and I refuse to cancel plans with family for plans with friends - something with my morals, I don't quite understand them yet, I just can't let myself put friends over family.... So, the fact I couldn't come to her party made her sad. I apologized, but I don't think that she thought I meant it. News-flash: I always mean my apologies - I refuse to say "I'm sorry" and not mean it - also morals which I do not fully understand. That's just the way I am, and I won't change who I am because one person doesn't like it.
Since then, we had the beach day I mentioned in the post before...you know, the one where it looks like I'm siding with PalmTree and Qualms and Onyx rather than Cheer, WYLA, Bretagne, and TinyPenmenship. I'm not though - I can see easily that it was all just a misunderstanding from the beginning. In fact, if we had all just stayed put for a while and decided where we were going to go, rather than just have each person assume we were going to one place, the whole fiasco would've been a wonderful adventure. However, WYLA took this event to be another personal dig to her from me. So, she called me a few times - the first time, I answered, and she proceeded to say I never pick 'her-side' and that I keep saying I'm her best friend, but I never defend her. The truth is, I never have to defend her because my other friend's know that I'm friends with her and won't say anything mean about her in front of my face.
So, anyway, back to the phone call. She also questioned my morals, some of which I stated above in the words prior to these, and told me that I was "being immature about this whole thing." But, isn't blowing up about this "whole thing" immature? It's not my fault she was unaware that one car thought we were going to one place and the other thought they were going to another place. I can't figure that out - I'm not Kreskin, I can't read minds. I just don't know what I'm going to do. She's been my friend for the longest time...I don't want to have to end it, but she's being ridiculous now. She told me I think too much about the situations, and don't realize when a friend is hurting. I do notice that, though, that's why I am the one people come to when they need to talk to someone. She then questioned my morals again, called me immature, and said I was not being a true friend.
I just don't know what to do anymore. This hurts, this feeling...It makes me tired, and I feel really worn out...I don't know what I'm going to do... I don't want to lose her as a friend, but she's getting to the point where even talking to her is making my skin crawl. She repeats the same insults to my personal being that it just pains me to talk to her. It was a chore to call her tonight... I didn't want to, but I hit a bump on the drive home and my thumb hit the 'Send' button. I spent 50 minutes on the phone with her...I hate the phone, I won't even exceed ten minutes on the phone with family members that I love.
I don't know what I'm going to do with myself... I had some pound cake after that call, now I have a terrible headache. I think I'm just going to lay down, maybe do some sleeping... I don't know, I'll write more later..give you guys some updates, or what-have-you. I'll talk at you later, I guess....
This fits nicely: I feel... thin. Sort of stretched, like... butter scraped over too much bread. I need a holiday. A very long holiday. And I don't expect I shall return. In fact I mean not to.
-Jereality
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